The Why

I want to go on a mission because it's something that I've thought about for a long time. In high school I strongly wanted to go and even had a “Mormonad” about missionaries up on my wall. Both my dad and my oldest brother served in France, and it sounded so exciting. My mom always half-joked about how she desperately wanted one of her daughters to go on a mission. Kristen got married. Heather's missionary is almost done serving in Brazil. Which leaves me. I was excited to go. I wanted to go.

But as I got older and began planning out my life, I realized that serving a mission wouldn't exactly fit into my plan. To be a competitive applicant for graduate school, I needed top scores on the GRE and taking a year off of school for a mission right before applying to grad school did not sound like a good idea. It also seemed like a somewhat awkward age to get married for a girl because you would get back from a mission and have only one year left of school to meet and marry a man. Although I know the age of twenty-one was inspired (for good reason), I am glad I have the opportunity to go now. As silly as my concerns sound, they were a big factor in my mindset of whether to serve or not. I figured if I wasn't dating anyone when the time was appropriate, then I would go. So I put a mission on the back burner and focused on my freshman year at BYU instead.

General Conference happened and “the Announcement” was made. I was excited, to be honest. This was something that I wanted to do, and it was now just within reach. Although I didn't realize it in the moment, I have grown spiritually so much since that announcement almost five months ago. As much as I fought coming to BYU because of the seeming conformity, I'm glad I did because this environment has invigorated my soul and my testimony.

Which leads me to the point of this letter. Why do I, Catherine Nicole Brown, want to serve a mission? I've always been an adventure seeker, and believe me, Russia is going to be quite the adventure. But that's not the reason. I want to go on a mission because this Gospel burns in my soul. I doubt myself a lot, but there is one thing that I cannot deny and that is the truthfulness of this Gospel.

My older brother Steve passed away almost two years ago. Has it really been that long? The one thing he desired more than anything was to serve the Lord, but that wasn't to be. I feel like I owe it to him (and Him) to serve in Steve's place. His wife is serving a mission now and watching her grow and experience trials on a mission has been inspirational to me.

It's not just for Steve though, it's for me. How could I be so selfish and not share my experiences with the Gospel with others? My patriarchal blessing says I will share the Gospel. I know I will. Of course it's meant to be. I know I'm not perfect, and I know I make mistakes every single day of my life. But I know that God loves me despite all of that. I know that Jesus cares for me and has been there the whole journey. I know that families can be together. I can't imagine feeling hopelessly lost in the world with nowhere to turn, not believing in God or believing in a God without forgiveness and charity.

I also want to be refined. As selfish as it sounds, I want the trials that I know a mission will bring. Because Catie Brown can do hard things-- I've been telling myself that my whole life. If anyone can serve a mission, it will be me. Again, it would be selfish not to. I have a testimony, I'm physically capable, I'm emotionally capable, and I'm socially capable. Talking to others and sharing my beliefs with them is my element. It's who I am. I'll say what I believe, and if someone doesn't care then that doesn't matter to me. I know that serving a mission will force me to do things I've never dreamed of. Like learn Russian or eat pinecones. Or shiver to death in -40 degrees Fahrenheit. I know the Lord will help me every step of the way, and I desire the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost and to experience all the gifts that he brings. I want the burdens that having a companion with me night and day will bring. I'm excited for the personality clashes. Why? Because it will all be for my own good. I need to learn how to deal with people. I need to learn how to work with people better. I need to learn how to be a peacemaker instead of my usual feisty self.

But mostly I want to go on a mission because I know I am needed. I have been called to Yekaterinburg for a reason-- for someone. I don't know who, and I don't know why, but I am supposed to go to Yekaterinburg. I have never felt so sure about something in my life, and it will take me getting hit by a lightning bolt or being reassigned by the Apostles to stop me from going there. I am good with words, and I know I will be humbled and frustrated to not be able to share my emotions with others there immediately upon my arrival. But I am excited to learn patience because this entire journey, from October to now, has required a lot of patience. It's something that I need, and it's something that I struggle with.

I'm excited to be an example to my little brother. I'm excited to be an example to my children-- I know they want me to go. But I am just mostly excited to share the Gospel with those in Russia. I had doubts about going right up til I opened my call but ever since then, I have felt nothing but peace in my soul. I'm sacrificing a lot, but I know the Lord will restore it unto me tenfold. The Gospel is true. The Gospel is amazing. I am excited to learn more about it and more about myself while serving a mission, and I know it's the right thing for me. It's scary and daunting, but I'm about to head out on the greatest adventure of my life.